Category: Relationships

Speak the truth with your life

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John Piper addresses the question whether it’s OK for a Christian couple to live together if they aren’t married. His answer, in part:

It’s not primarily, “You’re going to be tempted, and you’re going to give in, and you’re going to have more sex. That’s why.” That’s not the main reason.

The main reason is that when a man and a woman live together it says crystal clear to the world that having sex together without marriage is okay. That’s what it says.

Now, you say you’re a Christian. Do you want to say that sex before marriage is okay? And if you want to say that, then something is profoundly wrong!

And if you say, “That’s their problem,” you’re not loving people. It’s not their problem. It is your problem. You should take steps to communicate truth, and the sanctity of sex in marriage is a glorious truth, and you should want to hallow it and cherish it. 

Now, you say you’re a Christian. Do you want to say that sex before marriage is okay? And if you want to say that, then something is profoundly wrong!
And if you say, “That’s their problem,” you’re not loving people. It’s not their problem. It is your problem. You should take steps to communicate truth, and the sanctity of sex in marriage is a glorious truth, and you should want to hallow it and cherish it.

God, marriage and family

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A recommendation from Mark Driscoll:

About the book, from Crossway Books:

We live in a time of crisis regarding marriage and the family, and only by a return to the biblical foundation can these institutions be rebuilt. To provide an integrated, biblical treatment of the full range of marriage and family issues, the authors of God, Marriage, and Family examine what Scripture says about God’s purposes for humans in their marriage and family interactions. Their examination covers the special issues stemming from marriage, childrearing, singleness, homosexuality, and divorce and remarriage. With study questions and points for further discussion, this book is a comprehensive yet concise resource for anyone seeking a Scriptural response to our culture’s complex challenges to God’s intentions for marriage and family.

To get Andreas Kostenberger’s “God, Marriage and Family: Rebuilding the Biblical Foundation,” go here.

Handling explosives: Teens and dating

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The news released recently that Bristol Palin and fiance Levi Johnston broke off their engagement probably was greeted a few ways — glee from those who hate her mother and everything they think she stands for, scorn from those who have strong feelings about what a women’s role is as far as family, cynicism because “that’s what kids do” or indifference. There has been much scrutiny and much discussion about this issue.

I look at this as another sad instance of how we get things out of order in our society and how our view of marriage is too low. We want to assume that young people are mature enough to have sex, yet not to be married. After all, how many failed marriages have we heard being chalked up to “I was young and immature”? So, maybe we should not be so quick to allow them to pair off with one another. After all, wouldn’t it be better to not put them in a position that they are not ready to be in? Of course, that assumes that you think that sex is more than just a pleasurable release for those involved. Even the best of kids can be in this situation. What to do?

Consider this advice from John Piper:

Pairing off is a powerful thing. If the relationship here means groups of 4, 8, or 20 people doing stuff together without the dynamic of “she and I are a thing,” you know, that’s great. But this question is talking about pairing off.

Pairing off is hormonally charged, psychologically charged, physically charged, spiritually charged, and it is meant to be! It’s meant to lead somewhere! And it’s beautiful where it is meant to lead.

Therefore my counsel is that as the electric charge begins to happen between two seventeen-year-olds, they better think really clearly about how to manage that. And if they don’t intend to get married in the next year or so, they better not pair off but keep it in groups and step back from it.

About that anger: You’re not that cool

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angryJonathan Dodson at Boundless has a good article on anger. And, if you’re sitting there thinking, “Well, that’s nice, but it’s not me,” then you are totally mistaken. Why? Because anger is something we are deal with every day in our lives. Consider what Dodson writes:

You don’t have to be an “angry person” to have a problem with anger. There’s an anger of the garden variety that’s often expressed through complaining, grumpiness, a cutting remark, sulking self-pity, and turbulent frustration.

Take commonplace complaints about the weather. Complaints about the excessive heat or cold can either be a form of small talk or a form of unbelief in God’s good providence. We don’t typically think of complaining as anger, but when framed with the providence of God we are pressed to consider our motives.

Subtle complaining characterizes our culture. According to one statistic, most people in America are exposed to some 3,000 advertisements a day, most of which appeal to a lifestyle grounded in self-comfort. It comes as no surprise, then, that when our comfort is overturned … we complain. If someone cuts us off in traffic, we curse under our breath and complain for the next five miles. If a fast-food attendant is slow in taking our order, they are subjected to our cutting remarks. If work or school becomes demanding, we wallow in self-pity, a weak form of anger.

Under the surface of all the “happy shiny people” called Christians lurks an enemy of our soul — sinful anger.

So, we are all there. What do we need to do? We need to consider our hearts and what God’s word says about what anger means. We need to see anger is not just a problem for ourselves, but is a problem with God. It exalts ourself and belittles God. I like how Dodson describes it:

When I grow angry I find myself losing belief. I lose faith in God’s goodness amid my circumstances. I lose belief in his promises, that “he works all things together for good for those who love him and are called according to his purpose” (Rom 8:28).

This unbelief arises from sinful discontent with God’s wise providence, a failure to trust in His perfect will to do me good, whether through bad weather or good, emotional intimacy or none, apology or no apology. From emotional outbursts to weather complaints, anger arises from a failure to believe the truth, and belief that God owes me something: better weather or better marital intimacy or whatever.

Belief in this false promise is unbelief in God’s promises.

Being angry is not something we should settle for or condone in our lives. We need to examine the ugliness that it is and then reach out to God — in repentance and trust.

What does physical attraction have to do with marriage?

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Well, if you’re trying to think biblically about your marriage, it shouldn’t be a focus. That is how John Piper explained it recently:

The word “biblical” in this question is perhaps intended to take me to a text. And of course the text that comes to mind is, when it speaks to beauty, 1 Peter 3:3: “Don’t let your beauty be the outward beauty of the wearing of gold, and the braiding of hair, and the wearing of clothes.”

It doesn’t say “fine clothes.” It’s just “clothes,” so you know it’s not an absolute, as though not wearing clothes is good thing. It means the jewelry, the hair, and the clothes are not the focus. And our culture needs to hear that unbelievably. Marriages need to hear it, men need to hear it. That’s not the main focus of beauty. The focus should be the inner spirit.

So women should ask, “What kind of spirit should I cultivate for my man?” as well as, “How should I eat and dress and exercise for my man?” And the man should do the same: “What kind of inner spirit makes her flourish?” because there is a kind of spirit in a man that kills a woman or frightens or bores her.

And a man shouldn’t mainly be pumping iron. Because, frankly, most women could care very little about what their husbands look like, unless they’re just making fools of themselves. They want a spirit, a strength, a humility, a nobility. They want someone to pick them up and sweep them away.

In their worst moments women don’t look at pornography, usually. Mostly they read novels about exciting romances, because their husbands are so boring!

And so it cuts both ways. I think we husbands should labor not so much with the outward man, and the women shouldn’t labor so much with the outward woman. Rather, we should all cultivate the kind of beauty that we all deeply long for in relationships.

A marriage is a relationship. When you’re old, gray, wrinkled, overweight (or underweight), squinty, bent over, and hobbling along, maybe you’ll be holding hands at 85 because of the inner beauty.

Bitterness and unforgiveness: The danger we all face

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There would be a lot of things different in this world if we had no disagreements, but we are all sinful people and this is the life we must live until the end of this age.

In my sinful condition, I struggle with relationships from time to time and need to be reminded of what the Bible says about things like bitterness and anger. We cannot be fooled into thinking that it is “all right” to be this way, as if somehow another’s misstep has given us license to “bare our teeth,” so to speak. It is a dangerous thing to be unforgiving or bitter. A while back, I heard John Piper answer a question concerning these issues:

(U)nforgiveness is a hell-bent sin. The Bible says that if you do not forgive those who sin against you, God will not forgive you (Matthew 6:15). In other words, this is a mortal issue. An ongoing, unforgiving, bitter, and angry spirit will kill a person’s heart, making them shipwreck their faith and prove that they never belonged to God. God is showing you how serious this sin is.

This means that now you have the potential of saying, “If he loves me still, and he forgives this, it’s like forgiving the apostle Paul!” (It’s like forgiving murderers, because the Bible says that if you hate your brother you’ve killed him [Matthew 5:21-22]). And then maybe the emotional transaction of forgiveness and justification would so overwhelm you that the resources that you do not now have for loving this other person would be given you out of that fresh, new experience of grace.

We can’t choose to just live with these things in our heart. They don’t just sit there, but rather fester and poison everything around them. It’s not healthy, and in fact is deadly.

Fireproof in 60 seconds

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For those who want to get their Fireproof fix, but don’t have two hours, here is the plot of “Fireproof” in 60 seconds. I would suggest, however, that you find time to watch the whole thing, it’s worth your time.

Click on the image to view the movie
Click on the image to view the movie

Mohler, Miller discuss gay marriage and the Bible on NPR

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Albert Mohler, president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, and Lisa Miller, religion editor at Newsweek, were recently guests on NPR’s Talk of the Nation Program. The program’s topic, “What’s The Word? The Bible on Gay Marriage” was discussed in the context of Miller’s recent cover story for Newsweek, “The Biblical Case for Gay Marriage.” You can listen to the program here.

Men: Beware of the doghouse

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I have been there, thanks to an ill-advised gift of a toaster oven! Don’t let this happen to you, men!

HT: Tim Brister

Doghouse
Click on image to see video

A Twilight book review: Obsessive love

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Tim Challies has written a helpful review of Twilight.
Tim Challies has written a helpful review of "Twilight."

Like many parents, I imagine, I was left clueless about the whole “Twilight” phenomenon. I was not aware of the books until only recently, and now there is a very popular movie in theaters. Thankfully, one of my most trusted book reviewers, Tim Challies, took some time to read “Twilight” and share his thoughts. For the most part, Challies thought the book (his wife read the rest of the series and will share her thoughts later) was well-written. What I found helpful as a parent were his thoughts about the relationship between the boy and girl:

While the love between the two of them is meant to be real, it also has a strange, unearthly quality to it. It also has an obsessive, idolatrous quality. Perhaps this is true of any love story, but I wonder whether girls are well-served by reading of a young woman who is so utterly consumed with her boyfriend that she seeks and desires and thinks of nothing else. She lies, she disobeys her parents, she does whatever is necessary to be with him. She is convinced that in this boy she will find her all-in-all. All she desires—to the point of wanting him to drink her blood so she, too, can be a vampire—is to be with him forever. She would rather be undead eternally than live without him.

At this point, with the movie out and the books having been around for awhile, it may be too late to consider if you’ve already jumped in. (An admission: My preteen son read the book and devoured it. When pressed, he said he was disappointed because he thought it would be something else.) Still, I would proceed cautiously if I had a young daughter who wanted to read it. Go here to read the full review by Challies. It’s very helpful for the very least in that it gives good discussion points you can have with children about what life values were displayed.